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Monday, December 21, 2015

Humorous anecdotes-literary or not

1. Tolstoy was a great pacifist and was once lecturing on the need to be nonresistant and nonviolent towards all creatures. Someone in the audience responded by asking what should be done if one was attacked in the woods by a tiger. Tolstoy responded, "Do the best you can. It doesn't happen very often."

2.In the fourth grade, I am accepted into the advanced and gifted program, and I am convinced life is going to be all Doogie Howser and Harvard from now on. As the only girl, I spend most of my year trying to win the approval of a dozen boys who think that an XX chromosome always indicates a terminal diagnosis of stupid with cooties.
Trying to be cool, I play a practical joke, slipping the leftovers from a salt rock crystal experiment into four milks at lunch. The boys really enjoy the disgusted looks on the faces of the drinkers as they recoil, and I am in.
An hour later, I am in the principal’s office.
He informs me that there are four boys in the hospital having their stomachs pumped. They are near death. There could be manslaughter charges. Little do I know, the boys have momentary tummy aches and go back to class.
The principal is trying to teach me a lesson.
Then my mother arrives, meets with the principal, calls him out on his total BS, and takes me out for ice cream and to see the The Aristocats.
3.Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. 

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow". 

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet". 

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!! 
4.An unemployed guy got a new job at the zoo. They offered him to dress up in a gorilla's skin and pretend to be a gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. 

On his first day on the job, the guy puts on the skin and goes into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring. 

During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help!" 

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!" 

3.News Stand
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper. The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?" The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!" 

4.School Question
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?